What I've learned so far on my journey

I have been on the journey of life for the past twenty-two years. But I have only been on the journey to heal myself from my abuse as a child since February. It's been five months. I can't say that I'm any happier or stronger then I was five months ago but I have learned a lot about myself, my abuser, and the effects this has had on me. At first I was never going to deal with any of this, I was just going to move on and hope to forget what few memories I had. But repressing was beginning to take it's tole on me. My nightmares were nearly every night. I would wake up crying and hyperventilating. My panic attacks were four or more times per week. I was depressed all the time and things were just getting worse. I stopped sleeping to avoid the nightmares and fell asleep driving almost crashing several times. I realized I needed help. Back in February I thought to myself: "Okay this wont be fun but it should be fairly easy to get over,  people have had it worse" Maybe a month or so after that the harder memories started coming. I remembered being four years old, I remembered sleeping in the living room with him, I remembered him on top of me, I remembered sitting on the floor bleeding and crying. Then other memories started coming out of him being on top of me in other areas of the house, I knew this happened and It had been an on going thing. The body memories intensified, the nightmares got even worse. I was crying everyday and self harming. This is when I started therapy. Now I feel stuck were I was in March, Still getting new memories, still depressed, still having nightmares, still getting panic attacks. What I have learned so far on my journey is that. It wasn't my fault. Yes I have moments or tiny blimps where I blame myself. But I know the fault lies with him. I was younger then two when It started. I was an infant. Not only did I not know it was wrong then, but even if I did, what could I have possibly done? He was over 200lbs and I was probably 30lbs at that age. No contest. I've also learned how incredible the human mind is. My mind knew I wasn't ready to remember before. That must mean I am strong enough to deal with this now because it has finally been released. I have learned that as horrible as it is to remember, it is also nice to have the puzzle pieces fit together again. My whole life had been a gaping hole. Years missing. Time lost. Now I finally see what my life was. And yes it may have been horrible but it made me who I am. Without those experiences I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be as strong as I am. I have learned that I don't have to let him win. I don't have to surrender my soul over to the devil and live a life full of grief and despair. This was what I was prepared to do before. Be forever depressed. Forever damaged, forever broken. That is not my future anymore. I guess that's what I've gained in these last five months. Optimism and hope. I now picture a life for myself five years from now or ten years from now and in that  picture I am happy. There is a picture where there once was a black abyss. If five months gave me that, maybe soon with time that picture will start to become more real, almost attainable. For now, the hope is enough to keep me going. I'm trying to take it slow, continue to grow and move along this path.

My To Do list For The Summer

1. Memory work, bringing out several memories completely that I am struggling with right now
2. Start using my "Ways to cope" ideas on a daily basis instead of just pushing down bad feelings
3. Speak openly about what happened to me to my therapist
4. Start going to therapy twice a week
5. Look for and find another support group that meets my needs better then the old one
6. Write out my feelings more
7. Spend more energy taking care of me and less worrying about/trying to help others
8. Reinforce more positive self talk into my vocabulary
9. Do things just to make me happy even if that means doing them alone
10. Gather information and do my research to decide if taking action against my dad and trying to get him locked up would be in my best interest
11. Stay strong and be positive!

That's it for now

Ways To Cope:

I was given this assignment from my therapist to give me options for bringing myself down during a panic attack or when I feel myself getting more and more anxious. This is what I have come up with so far.

Ways to Cope:
1. Deep breathing (the proper way getting oxygen to the brain, breathing from belly not chest)
2. Focus on something in the room, and describe every part of it
3. Write out whatever is causing me to feel anxious
4. Call or text a friend
5. Pray
6. Crossword puzzles
7. Regular puzzles
8. Exercise
9. Building with leggos
10. Meditating
11. Drawing
12. Going for a walk
13. Just letting the pain wash over me, not fighting it, sitting with it and remembering in a safe place
14. Muscle Relaxation
15. Cry and release the feelings (goes along with not fighting it...one of my biggest issues)
16. Thinking about happy times
17. Write down the things that are making me feel anxious then write down 5 good things about today
18. Music
19. Read
20. Dancing
21. Write down feelings, and burn it
22. Cook
23. Breaking ice cubes on cement
24. Scream into a pillow
25. Singing
26. Coloring
27. Getting fresh air
28. Cleaning
29. Sit in the closet till the memory passes (i used to hide a lot in closets as a child)
30. Write over and over again "These flashbacks are memories of things that happened in the past, they can't hurt me anymore"
31. Snuggle with a fave stuffed animal
32. Rip paper
33. Hit something, pillows or inflatable punching bag
34. Braid my hair
35. Watch a movie or fave T.V. show
36. Make lists
37. Home projects
38. Pacing or moving around
39. Going for a drive
40. Positive self talk

Forgiveness Is Not In my Vocabulary

Dear people who are pissing me off,

Tell me why I should forgive him. Tell me what he has done to deserve this. Websters Dictionary defines Forgiving someone as:
1. To give up resentment of or claim to requital for 
2. To grant relief from payment of

3. To cease to feel resentment against an offender

4. To pardon one's enemies

None of these things apply to me. I will NEVER stop resenting him for what he did. I am so sick and tired to death of people telling me I need to forgive him in order to ever move forward. I am moving forward. I move forward daily, every day I get a little bit stronger. Every day I break further and further away from the bad memories of my childhood. I do not need an act of forgiveness to do that. And besides it being defined for us. What the hell is forgiveness? Does that mean my heart will stop hurting? Will forgiving him take away what he did? Will forgiving him make the bad dreams stop? No forgiving him will not do any of those things. I will not "pardon" him for his acts like a stranger bumping into another on a crowded street. My hatred of him safe guards my heart and eases my mind. It lets me see that I am still human. I did not just roll over and take what he did to me. No I am mad. I am angry as hell. My fury fuels my desire to live. It keeps me fighting because I know that as hard as he tried he did not kill who I am.  One day I will be free, one day I will find my smile again. But I will ALWAYS be angry. Why shouldn't I be? He molested me, touching me every chance he had for the first four years of my life, then the rapes started. Eventually I was to old for what he liked and that's when the beatings intensified. Does this person (I cringe at that word to describe him. I more so liken his existence to the  pus that infects the mucous, that crud's up the fungus, that feeds on the pond scum *a line from a favorite movie of mine that I LOVE using to describe him*) deserve any sort of kindness on my part? Is that what your telling me? That I owe something to him after everything he did? Please do not be confused. I owe him nothing. In fact my story isn't about him. It's about me and what I have had to endure because of HIS actions. Why should a rapist be required to receive anything from a victim? Except for maybe castration? That I could totally give to him...without anesthetic. By being free, walking the streets and not rotting behind a jail cell I have already given him more then he ever deserved. These memories of what he did will never ever go away. I live with these in my mind and see them daily. Not forgiving does not cause me to hold on to the past. The fact that It's my past causes me to hold on to the past. Its a part of me. How can I turn a blind eye to the injustices that were done and deny a part of myself? This is what happened to me, this is who I am, as much as it hurts to say it. I AM a survivor of incest. Yet I am also made up of much more. However this has been the thing that has defined me the most. Forgiving him doesn't change that. Forgiving him doesn't give me back those lost 18 years. Forgiving him, doesn't make me let go and "leave the past in the past" as you tell me because the past helped form my future.

Whatever path my future takes good or bad it will always be a reflection of my past. The past got me to this place, now i decide what to do with it. Forgiving him does nothing except say everything he did was okay. If you think I should forgive him as easily as you say, step back and look at the big picture. Pretend that hurt little girl was your daughter, granddaughter, sister, niece, cousin, or friend. Would you just "forgive" that easily? In essence saying that what that man did to them was okay and should be excused? If the sins of child rapists should simply be forgiven then why are the jails so full of them?

Sincerly,

A very angry rape victim

Mommy I Miss You

22 years ago god blessed me with a mother

You provided me with love when there was no other

You were my saving grace and shelter from the storm

And provided me with light when from the darkness I was born

You were beautiful and kind

In your love I was forever intertwined

Mommy I miss you more than words can say

Since you left my heart has started to unravel and fray

You were my everything, and yet still so much more

You are the root of my existence, all of me and my core

It has been nearly four years since I’ve seen your face

Too long since you’ve stretched out your wings and wrapped me up in your warm embrace

But you will not be forgotten, your memory I will not let fade

Because your blood runs through me and from you I was made

Dear Diary,

I'm needing to scream and cry and fall in to the arms of someone spilling my secrets from my lips but I fall mute. I am tired of carrying this secret, this shame, this hurt. I find a kind ear, open my mouth to speak yet no words come out. These memories are so heavy that my back is aching and my shoulders are sore from this weight. Please someone come and relieve me. Take off some and hold it for me. Help me carry this pain up these steep hills. Where Is my help? I can't do this alone. I need someone, anyone. I need to explode, vomit this hurt out. I am exhausted from keeping his secret. Please someone listen to my cries. Can anyone hear me?

From NoLongerAVictim on Tumblr:

Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse

“You are the superhero—saving yourself. And you deserve credit for getting through however you can…
Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you were crazy for leaving your body (during abuse.) Just know that you were taking care of yourself. Don’t let anyone tell you this is denial. It is survival. When we’re so unsafe, we have to create our own safety.”

  I think every survivor is a superhero, a soldier. Abuse is like a war and it leaves deep wounds, making it out of that is impressive to say the least.

Writing assignment:

My Therapist told me on Wednesday to work on this writing assignment. Basically I need to write about why I feel I don't deserve love or someone caring about me. Or why I think I shouldn't heal from this pain and should just live life continuing to hurt. I don't purposefully think this way. I guess It's more of an internal dilemma. It's what I know, what I grew up thinking. I was taught I wasn't worthy of anything. I was taught my purpose in this life was simply to make men happy. I was a toy to be played with for awhile then tossed aside and forgotten about until needed again later. So when some one shows me they care or are concerned, something clicks in my head and I think that their only purpose for caring is because soon they will hurt me, or use me, or destroy me in some way. I trust no one.

Along with this I feel that I was bad when I was little. I think that I could have stopped what happened somehow. Tho I know logically that it was physically impossible for me to stop him. I could have said something, told someone, done something. I just accepted it and in doing so I ruined my chances of leading a normal happy life by allowing myself to have a childhood marred by such tragedy. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve healing or don't deserve the effort it takes to lead a happier life and decrease P.T.S.D symptoms  because I feel like this is my punishment for not telling. I choose not to tell then, so now these are my consequences for those actions. I know I know, everyone will say "you did nothing wrong, it wasn't your fault", blah blah blah. But It was, I could have done more but by not doing anything essentially i betrayed myself. I live with this reality daily, and It eats away at me. I would really love to place blame on him where it belongs. But my mind tells me he doesn't hold all the fault here. I don't know how to get my mind to tell me different.

This writing assignment is stupid and I hate It.

And I know I just said in the Pain post that I do deserve love. Today i feel like I don't. Today I feel like I deserve what happened to me. Today I do not deserve love.