Pain

My pain causes my soul to crumble, my heart to break and my entire self to be crushed beyond repair. I fall to the ground and clutch the dirt between my fingers, I want to dig to find something solid to grab on to. I am toppling over from agony. The pain has swept my feet out from under me like a swift breeze, and it is beating me down with its rocks of sadness. Those rocks continue to pound my body, each hit removing a part of me. I am dissolving to mere dust. I am sinking into this earth, as these rocks called flashbacks pelt me with all of their strength. Each time I remember I sink deeper, and slip further away from happiness. That dirt is swallowing me whole and no one is there to save me or pull me out of this rubble. I shall vanish without remembrance. But I don't vanish. I exist now In the "in-between" place. Half of my body buried in this dirt, stuck in this pain and hurt. The other half wanting to live and be free and know what If feels like to be lifted off of this ground, and soar. But each time I extend my arms and reach for the sky I am knocked back down. That pain wants to drag me back under Its dark covering of dirt and conceal my face and unhinge my smile. Its trying to win the battle that Is my life. Sometimes I let the pain win. Some times I have no choice. The memories creep up on me like a lion crawls upon its prey. I am the prey. Today I had to let them In. Today I had to remember that little hurt child. She was hurt in the most horrible of ways. But she was not destroyed, she did not vanish, she Is still inside of me, she pumps the blood through my veins. Her strength and power force me to continue this life day after day. She was stripped of her innocence, her trust, her faith, her mind, and her spirit. Every part of her was tainted  by his lies, his words, and his body that forced its self upon her. Making her do things that aren't meant for daddy's and little girls to do."This Is how daddy's show their love" he says so I lay and I allow. I allow him to disgrace my body with the same manhood I was made from. I didn't know this was wrong then because It always happened. It was just...life. Daddy came to visit and unlatched my crib bars, had his way, then he latched It back and was on his way. He stole the most from me at four, this the day he decided touching wasn't enough. The day he decided I needed to understand my role as a woman. The day he raped me. That was the day my world caved In, The day the earth stopped spinning. The sun stopped shining. There were no stars In the night sky. There was no green grass on the hill side. Or flowers in the spring time. My world ended and twisted and turned and contorted It's self into a new kind of world. A sick world, filled with tears, hurt, and pain. Filled with lies and covering things up to disguise from people who "don't understand our love". This new more complicated world was filled with burying secrets and not getting daddy In trouble. I hated that world. But I resided In it anyways because that was the address that I had. I lived there for far to long. But I no longer do. I broke down Its walls with a sledge hammer. Shattering Its every part like he did to my virgin body. I now run through that hillside with it's green grass and I feel the sun shining down on my face, spreading its rays far and wide and enclosing me in its warmth like my mother used to. I feel the earth spin around me again. I took my world back from him and left him to rot in his, to remember what he did, and to die alone.That's what he deserves. And I...... I deserve life, I deserve love, I deserve kindness, warmth, and goodness. I want to shower In It. NO I want to bath In It I want the love to pour Its self out on me and lavish  me with its treasures. I deserve to know what that feels like, to grasp it between my fingers and hold on to that and not the dirt that wants to swallow me whole.

Flash Back #2 Today

The house Is empty except for him and I. The sounds of my cries ring through the hallways. I am sitting on the floor with no bottoms on. I am cold and shaky and wet. What has that devil done? I do not remember, My memory Is so foggy, I was to small.
 Crying continues, I call for mommy. I stay seated there, legs bent, sitting on the back of my feet, as blood drips from my tiny body. I continue to cry, until I hear him coming down the hall way, his boots pound the floor In angry strides. My mind screams and my heart cries, but I now fall silent. Worse Is coming. And I know It to be true so I close my eyes and wait.

Flash Back #1 Today

The touch of his hands gliding across my body, the smell of his warm breath on my face, the weight of his body crushing mine, I see and feel this shame through the body of a four year old. I was small and delicate and gentle like a flower. I was joy and laughter. He took away my smile and the prance In my step. He killed that little one burned her alive from the inside out. The pain was worse then anything I could know, I was being ripped apart bit by bit, would there be any part of me left when he was finished? It lasted for ever It seemed. I radiated heat and pain pulsated through my body like an electric current. He was whispering something In my ear but I do not understand, my ears hear only the screams of a dying child. A child who's soul is being plucked apart like the feathers of a chicken just slaughtered. I am dead I think. This is what death must feel like. I am not In pain anymore, I feel like I'm floating, I am far above the darkness, I see the dead girl, laying there covered In all of that filth. But she Is far away, I am moving on. I am laying In the grass on a hillside looking up at the trees with mommy, making pictures out of the clouds, pretending that i was on those clouds, I am safe here far away from that shame and that dead girl. Then suddenly the sky and hillside crumble, nothing Is left. I am floating down, I fight with all my might. But I am not strong enough, I open my eyes and i am back In side that dead girl, that screaming child.I am her and she Is me, I want to escape but I am trapped, screaming. He climbs off when he Is done, I lay there broken and battered and used. He destroyed my innermost parts, leaving me bleeding and crumbled. Making me feel lower then the dirt we are made from. I am In a haze. Time meant very little to me at the age of four, but now....In this moment. It means nothing.  I lay there unmoved, as parts of me die and perish forever In that bed.